Terrifying celebrity baker Mary Berry has astounded fans by revealing the secret to her longevity – human flesh. Berry, who actually died sometime after her 170th birthday, claims that since she became undead, eating people has been the only healthy option.
She was dismayed when the BBC refused to release her from her Great British Bake Off contract despite her being deceased. “I was stiff as beaten egg white, but they just kept on wheeling me out in front of the cameras like nothing ever happened. That’s when I realised, to go on like this I’d need more than cakes. First I ate my husband, then I just started eating contestants. The winners taste better because they die happy.”
Although her favourite recipe is obviously brain soufflé, she claims to be quite partial to a slice of sweet appendix pie or lung sponge. “I’m always learning new techniques. Did you know that finely ground bones make a perfectly acceptable substitute for flour? And if you’re feeling creative you can garnish your spleen roulade with toenails.”
She outlines all her favourite cannibalistic recipes in her new book Mary Berry: Cooking People Perfect (with a forward by regular dining companion Bruce Forsyth). “The recipes are simple and very easy to prepare,” she explains. “They have to be because my brains have completely rotted.”
Berry’s Great British Bake Off judging partner Paul Hollywood says their chemistry is better than ever. “Occasionally she goes all stiff and topples over. But it’s like dealing with a diabetic, except in Mary’s case it’s not low blood sugar levels, it’s just low blood levels. Her eyes roll back and she stumbles about, crashing into lights and moaning recipe ideas for brains. I simply let her gnaw on my ankle for a bit and she perks up in no time.”
The revelation that Berry is undead has not affected ratings, with viewers saying they could not tell the difference.